I had a really traumatic birth where I nearly lost our gorgeous little girl during an induced labour 7 weeks ago. After taking hypnobirthing classes and looking forward (genuinely) to the birth when the time came I had problem after problem, a real cascade of intervention and ended up with an emergency c-section under general anaesthetic. I can’t describe how grateful I am that my precious daughter is here safe and well however I can’t help but feel utterly devastated at what happened and more importantly what didn’t happen that day. We didn’t get our skin to skin time, I didn’t hear her first cry, my partner didn’t cut her cord. We didn’t get our ‘new family’ photo. My poor little girl was brought into this world in a room full of strangers with no idea who her mummy was. I can’t even remember meeting her after my surgery due to the anaesthetic – what kind of mother can’t remember meeting their own baby for the first time?! My partner and the Grans had it all over Facebook before I could even process what had happened.
I can’t stop crying over all this, even as I write this I’m in floods of tears.
I’ve tried to speak to my partner about it – how I feel I’ve let my daughter down given my body almost killed her, how I feel I’ve lost out on something that was so important to me despite the fact that she is here safe and well and that’s all that should matter, how I worry that we haven’t bonded (due to the birth complications I’ve not been able to breastfeed either which I’m also devastated over) and how Ive lost all my confidence over motherhood whereas during pregnancy I felt so in control and confident that I’d do a good job when she arrived.
I was met by (I feel) the most unsupportive and almost cruel response. He says I’m “not normal” for thinking these things, I need to speak to a professional as he can’t deal with it and he decided that I’m struggling with motherhood yet his younger sister managed it amazingly well. He also double checks everything I do where my daughter is concerned with his sister. All of which just puts further doubt in my head of my own abilities.
I feel I’m completely losing my grip on reality. Please someone reassure me that I’m not going mad and imagining things and that this man is a horrible individual?! I’ve told him too much has been said and our relationship can’t/won’t ever recover from this. He told me he’d use this against me to get custody of my daughter as he wouldn’t allow me to have her. Everyone else tells me I’m doing an amazing job and I’m a natural but I just don’t believe anyone as according to him “everyone told him I’d have a breakdown and wouldn’t manage being a mum”. I don’t know what to believe or think anymore!
Also, anyone who has went through a traumatic birth – does the sadness go? Does it get any easier? I cry all the time and (I’m ashamed to say) resent anyone who has had a ‘normal’ birth. I can’t go on like this, it’s not me but I just don’t know where to start.