Why me ?

Quote saying "I'm so sick of pretending that I'm ok when I'm breaking down inside"

This couldn’t of come at more of an appropriate time , and this blog could of just saved my life…

As I sit on the bathroom floor after dropping my little one to school I sit crying wondering how I can carry on anymore. I received the email to write my story anonymously, I don’t have anyone to talk to and my family and friends don’t understand how I feel, i’m a young single mum with a 5 year old little boy, I work full time and rent privately.

I suffer with anxiety and depression and last year I took an overdose because I didn’t know how to stop this pain, I just feel so low all the time. I can make ends meet despite working and going without to ensure my little boy never goes without, do you know when you just feel like everything is too much? That’s how I feel all the time. Like I have a big heavy weight on my shoulders and no escape.

I know there are millions of people worse off than me. Sometimes I think i’m Selfish because I think of scenarios in my head that if I knew someone like me I would go out of my way to help them or make them feel special and then get myself down when no one does that for me. I get angry with my family and friends for living their own lives because i’m not happy with mine and I feel like i’m going to be forgotten about.

The fear of not being good enough swamps me on a daily basis and I hate myself. I hate my weight yet I eat to comfort myself, I hate the way I look but don’t have the energy to do my makeup and hair every morning. I hate the way I act when i’m the loud funny girl in the room when in reality I just want to curl in a ball and cry.

I’m Scared one day I will find the strength and carry out the dark thoughts in my head. I’m just a normal girl desperate for a light at the end of the tunnel. Anyone know where I can find it ? 

Just a struggling mum xx

8 thoughts on “Why me ?

  1. Anonymous says:

    WOW this is a powerful post. My heart really does go out to you, mental illness is just the worst 🙁
    Quite a few years ago I suffered terribly with depression and anxiety (still do today but have different coping strategies than before). One day it just all got too much and i ended up having to get help and see the doctor. The doc said to me, “Find something you enjoy, and if you can’t find that, find the joy in something.”
    This really resonated with me to try and change my outlook on everything instead of giving into those waves of darkness i would tell myself, what do i enjoy or what did i enjoy before all of this? how can i make this happen? if i still couldn’t find anything then id look closer around me, usually to my kids and think about what i enjoy the most from them.
    I hope you will be okay, and remember to always reach out when you need help never suffer in silence xxxx

  2. Anonymous says:

    Oh gosh this is so sad, please try and stay positive.
    Having struggled with depression on and off for years, I find that exercise helps me massively. Even if its just a 10min youtube video in your front room.
    I really hope you are ok x x

  3. Anonymous says:

    I could of written this myself, although I have a partner and 2 children age 3 and 1, although we have each other we don’t have any family support, don’t feel selfish there are always people worse off but you are most important at the moment and if your not well you won’t be any good to help anyone else, please get some help and book an appointment to speak to someone, I know how dark this place can be but you need to ask for help to get better for you and your son, he needs you! Your doing a great job and to get through each day at the moment your obviously an amazing mum! I know how much of a failure you can feel at times from anxiety and depression but you can beat this!

  4. Anonymous says:

    this is heartbreaking! 🙁
    firstly you are doing an AMAZING job to still be here, writing about your story whilst suffering with all this mental pain. You are a lot stronger than you think… you have got this!!!
    exercise definitely helps me mentally, having something that’s just for me and nobody else, my own sort of hobby. hope you will be ok xx

  5. Anonymous says:

    Amen sister
    I hope I never carry out my thoughts. My family are useless and selfish, my husbands mum tries to help but she can’t cope with youngest anymore (5&1) we lean heavily on an amazing friend who helps but that adds to more guilt. Pretty sure hubby also is suffering so he spends every waking minute at work.
    Life is hard and sucks big time.

    It won’t last forever we will find the light soon xx

  6. Anonymous says:

    Ahh big hugs for you… you need time for you too, working full time you aren’t getting that, cant you go part time? Tax credits will top up your money and you will get help with housing benefit and council tax. I’m a single mum to a 5 year old girl, I live with my mum and I work 16 hours a week over 2 days. If you aren’t happy with your weight join a local group I go to a slimming world it’s fab you meet friends there too, maybe join gym or go for walks around the park, exercise helps mental health. And last of all… talk about it reach out to people when you are in a dark place, bad tines don’t last believe me. Stay strong xx

  7. Anonymous says:

    You are stronger than you think, to have written your thoughts takes a massive amount of courage, not a day goes past that i dont have lots of little thoughts and lots of guilt for those thoughts but what gets me through is looking at my kids and knowing they would devasted if i was gone and that is enough, so i have a little cry let it out and keep going…hope things get easier for you soon and you have more good days than bad, try and get some help you really are not alone. Xx

  8. Anonymous says:

    From one mother to another , i really feel this post! Some days can be so hard i break down and cry at the most simple of things like my child refuses to brush his teeth, or he wants to wear his wellies in 30 degrees. Talking is definitely the best therapy for this, whether that be a friend, a parent or a doctor. Please get advice and talk to someone, your post has really touched me and i hope you can find help from this.

Leave a Reply

Your e-mail address will not be published.