Now I know I may trigger some angry responses here especially for those who are struggling to concieve, and that is NOT my intention. I know i’m lucky to be able to carry and birth a child and I am forever grateful for that especially as it took me quite some time to fall pregnant, but I am writing this with you guys in mind too, I want to show the TRUTH of motherhood instead of sugar coating the experience like so many mums/ celebrities / influencers do across social media.
Guys, the newborn stage is HARD, you could be lucky and be blessed with a newborn that just eats, sleeps and poops but you do need to be prepared incase that doesn’t happen.
So here’s my story… the TRUTH
I will try and keep this breif so you’re not reading too much content.
I had a breezy pregnancy, no problems at all and thoroughly enjoyed being pregnant.
I opted for a planned c-section after fears of low amniotic fluid, I was pregnant throughout the peak of summer in Turkey so it was very difficult to keep these fluids up. Birth wasn’t anything magical, I was the last person to see my baby after my husband, best friend and another friend of ours, BUT i was prepared for this to happen anyway so It was all expected. What I didn’t expect though was the feeling of loneliness and embarassment whilst in theatre.
Baring in mind I gave birth in a country that is not my first language, so Turkish is my second language and my language is limited, especially when it comes to doctor jargon – that’s hard enough to get your head round in english never mind in another language.
The room was SO cold, i was butt naked in a gown that was all open with about 15 men and women around me. They attempted the epidural (spinal block) twice but it wasn’t working. The bed I was on was electric and was able to tip me upside down as though I was doing cartwheels, I remeber my boobs flying out of my gown and my arms were attached to wires and injections so I couldn’t pop myself back in. As if being tipped upside down and around wasn’t embarassing enough my boobs were then flying around all whilst these 15 men and women were joking and laughing and talking amongst themselves about daily life. I just wanted to cry I was getting so upset and felt so alone, I had no idea why I wasn’t going numb and was scared there was going to be a problem if they proceeded even if it did go numb incase it would wear off too quick. Yes that has happened before and they had to inject her with morphine asap! Anyway, after 20 minutes of pure embarassment they had to put me to sleep for the c -section.
When I woke up I could feel the intense pain but that wasn’t my main concern the first thing I said when I woke up was “how is my baby is she ok” in turkish. Hearing the words “Baby is good” made me take a sigh of releif. Then the realisation of the pain kicked in as I was wheeled back to my room, every bump felt as though I was being jabbed in the stomach.
Anyway enough about the birth let’s get down to the newborn stage…
I remember looking at my baby girl and my heart was so full, I didn’t know a love like this could exist. BUT this whole thing was so relentless sometimes I wondered when would I get this magical baby bubble feeling that so many mums talk about?
My newborn really was hard work, she barely slept, every nap time was a battle of screaming, rocking playing the hoover sound, I could spend hours doing this for her to only have a 20-30 minute nap. I was EXHAUSTED. I was breastfeeding every 2-3 hours on demand with a husband who worked 6 days a week long days and no family around for help. I just couldn’t catch a break at all and wondered how long this was going to go on for. The nights were long and tiring and there were times I felt like I couldn’t do this anymore. My baby was fussy and whingy, she was very rarely content and happy and I just felt like I wasn’t doing anything right.
It took me about 2-3 months when I eventually felt like I sort of knew what I was doing. It was just a case of her having to grow out of it, people kept making comments like “oh she’s breast fed maybe shes hungry its not filling her enough like formula” but I ignored them, I knew breastmilk was best for her and it was working for us, she would latch and drink amazingly well, that wasn’t the issue at all.
I was told many times “leave the house a mess, just nap when baby naps” It’s not that simple though, when do I find the time to shower? eat? or even just sit and have a hot cup of coffee to feel human?
I am so grateful to have a happy healthy baby girl I really am but I am human and I tell you all this now, you can never be fully prepared for motherhood but each stage comes and goes. This hard time soon passed once she hit 5 and half months she began sleeping through the night and that honestly changed everything for me.
I just wanted to be open and honest about my story and let you know it’s okay to feel this way.