My Miscarriage

Why Aren’t We Talking About Miscarriage?

Miscarriages are far more common than you probably think, in fact the statistics are pretty staggering as it affects 1 in 4 women – but why don’t we talk about this? why do we think this has to be kept a shameful secret? Why is it any different from a death of a loved one?

2012- At 5am desperate for the toilet yet again, I take the test! Showing up negative with just one line I tossed the test into the bin and hopped back into bed. 7am, back to the toilet one last check at that test and there it was two lines – POSITIVE.

All different emotions running through my head. I placed the test onto the table for my partner to see and of course his first reaction “ Are we having a baby?!”. Happy in our own little bubble yet we had no idea of what was to come…

Week 8 – Strong cramps came out of nowhere on and off for 3 hours, we decided to take a trip down to the hospital to check everything was ok. My heart started racing as the doctor scanned me in the ever so quiet room, the doctor said i would like to do an internal scan as this is more accurate…

Staring at the screen in silence for what felt like for a year, the doctor said i am really sorry there is no heartbeat. 7 weeks and 3 days my baby’s heart stopped beating.

There are no words to describe how i felt , i walked out of that hospital and sat on a bench and cried like i had never cried before. I went home and decided i wanted a second opinion what if they was wrong, what if their machine wasn’t good enough, what if the doctor just missed it i kept saying.

10 days later i had a second opinion and again i was still measuring 7 weeks and 3days , this time i accepted that i had a MISSED MISCARRIAGE.

Later that day i got taken down for a D&C, lying on the operation table staring at that big bright light above me waiting to be put to sleep, the tears rolling down my face just wanting it all to go away.

7 years later and the pain still hasn’t completely gone away, forever i will remember that day, the doctors face, that big bright light and the heartache i felt. The Procedure left me with what i can only characterize as loneliness. It’s a unique feeling, a bad feeling that will never be able to be fully explained.

2017- Falling pregnant the first month of trying, how did we get so lucky I thought. Over the moon the first month off birth control and we got blessed with two pink lines! Telling all our family and friends as we were full of happiness to be expanding our family. Exactly a week after taking the test, standing washing the dishes i get a strong cramp and a gush run through me, I  instantly crossed my legs and sat down. I looked down and realised i was bleeding! Sitting on the toilet in total shock this was happening heart racing and tears starting to roll down my face, i knew exactly what was happening, I was losing my baby all over again. 2 weeks , 2 WHOLE weeks i was bleeding , heavy clots , strong cramps and that was it my pregnancy had ended once again.

People may read this and say “ Ew that’s too much information , that should be kept to yourself” but this is happening every minute and every day leaving women feeling alone and helpless. Sharing an experience and delivering an honest account is an enormous comfort and by sharing my story i hope more of you strong women out there can share your story and help us bring awareness to miscarriage and know we are not alone at this heartbreaking time.

After two previous Miscarriages i now have two happy and healthy children, So to all the women going through this right now just know that miscarriage does not mean you are infertile and that your time won’t come because it will, Miscarriage is just a sad act of nature that cannot be controlled.