I was 15 when I was put on the pill due to period problems, I’d started 2 years before and they were irregular, strong, long and the worst pain imaginable so my mum took me to the doctors who decided to put me on the contraceptive pill to help with the pain and to try and regulate them.
It didn’t really help and I continued to have issues until I was finally sent for tests when I was 18. I never had any results back and assumed everything was clear. It wasn’t until I was 24 that I was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome. I was told that it would be very difficult for me to conceive a child and I was at a high risk of miscarriage, having already had one miscarriage when I fell pregnant at 18.
It was super difficult to hear that, especially when they told me that I was actually diagnosed at 18 after my blood tests but for some reason, I was never given the results and now I was 24, being told I possibly couldn’t have children. After more tests it was confirmed that my body didn’t work properly and it was pretty much impossible for me to ever conceive naturally. I was devastated, being a mother was all I ever wanted and even though I was single, I was happy to go it alone and now my dreams were being ripped away from me.
I started to look into other ways of me becoming a mum. My cousin kindly offered to carry a child for me, something that I seriously considered but in the end, I decided to go with the route of adoption.
It wasn’t an easy journey and throughout it, I’ve wondered whether it would have been easier to take another route, to just try and conceive via IVF or to let a surrogate carry a baby for me. But adoption was the thing I stuck with. There are so many children without families and if I could make a difference to at least one childs life, I’d be happy.
The process was hard, intrusive and difficult. From the weekly social worker visits to the training meetings, with the paperwork piles piling up and the coming to terms with things that happened in your past. When I was approved to adopt, I was so happy. All I wanted was to be a mom and I couldn’t wait to hold my little one/s.
Searching for a potential child was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. It wasn’t so much the choosing of the children, it was the children you couldn’t consider, the ones you couldn’t fulfill the needs of. It was heartbreaking when you wanted to have them all.
I found my little boy one day in the Summer of 2017. His beautiful face staring at me on the laptop. Looking at him and knowing he was the one. What usually took weeks, maybe a few months took 8 long months for me. It was so, so hard but due to delays in the system, a change of social worker and an appeal from birth parent, I had to really learn how to be patient.
When I saw his face for the first time, I fell madly in love with him. I couldn’t wait for him to be my boy. But when he moved in with me, the rush of love and bond I expected to come automatically didn’t happen and instead, in place, I felt low and lonely. I was a single mom to this boy who seemed to take so well to all these changes in his little life and here was me, not able to cope and not knowing if I’d ever come out the other side.
I’m glad that I told the truth of how I was feeling, it was mainly during the bonding period, where you stay in and create a bond without them meeting family or friends, but instead of enjoying the bonding time, I felt so isolated and scared. I’d be crying every minute of the day and I was so worried I’d made a mistake. But thankfully the social workers and therapists understood, they told me it was post adoption depression, the same as post natal depression. It was the changes to my life. A huge shock to the system that although I’d prepared for, could not have been fully prepared for. It was hard. It was scary but I’m so grateful for the support that I’d received and thankfully I came out the other side.
And now? I couldn’t wish for a better life with my gorgeous boy. We are a year in and we have the best bond, I love him so much and we couldn’t be closer. Sometimes I’ll feel guilty for how it was in the beginning, I hated how I was but it was something that I couldn’t help. It wasn’t my fault. It wasnt something I chose. It’s took me a long time to come to terms with it and I don’t think that I fully have really. My boy had been through enough and I should have been more, I should have been better. But instead I was a big crying mess and he deserved better than that. But we’re through it. We got through it together.
I love being a single mum to my boy. Its hard, its tiring, its downright exhausting at times but I wouldn’t change a second of it. We have the support of our family and friends and we’ve had the best year, I’m so looking forward to all the other years. He’s changed my life.
Motherhood, adoption, all of it. It’s not for the weak hearted but you’d be surprised how strong you really are. You’d be surprised by how much we can actually deal with. Even on the days we feel like pulling our hairs out, we’re doing amazing.